Saturday Night Live at Hogwarts
by purple water
Summary: The ususal characters and the usual sketches (should these things be brought together?) Cheerleaders, Wayne's (Harry's) World and more. *New Scene Weekend Update!*
1. Scene One: Saturday Night Live Cheerlead...

  
Scene 1: Saturday Night Live Cheerleaders  
  
Scene: A duel between Harry and Draco. Ron and Hermione are sitting on the   
sidelines dressed in red and yellow Gryffindor cheerleading outfits.  
  
Hermione: They're getting ready to start. Ron, get up?  
  
Ron: Ready?  
  
Hermione: OK!  
  
"Cha cha goochie, cha cha cha goochie, Cha cha goochie, cha cha cha goochie roll   
call!"  
  
Ron: My name is Ron,  
My wand is gone,  
When it's my turn to duel,  
I'm in the john.  
  
"Cha cha goochie, cha cha cha goochie, Cha cha goochie, cha cha cha goochie roll   
call!"  
  
Hermione: My name's Hermione  
I won the charms bee,  
Hogwarts, a History,  
Is the book for me.  
  
"Cha cha goochie, cha cha cha goochie, Cha cha goochie, cha cha cha goochie roll   
call!"  
  
Both: We cheer for Gryffindor,  
We didn't vote for Al Gore,  
Stupefying is our score,  
Just listen to Harry's roar!  
  
Flashes of light; gasps are heard from the crows.  
  
Hermione: Look, Harry's down. What do we do?  
  
Ron: I don't know. (He puts his arm around her) But I'm sure we'll think of   
something.  
  
Hermione: Thanks Ron, for the encouragement, but doesn't Harry need our   
Gryffindor spirit even more. (He's not really listening but looking at her   
chest)  
  
Ron: Um, there was something that I was meaning to ask you. Are you still with   
Draco, or do you want to...  
  
Hermione: Draco is a horn toad. He told everyone that I still sleep with a   
nightlight. But I don't like you like that. You're my friend. I don't like   
you like that.  
  
Ron: It's ok, there's still Lavender, but I hear she stuffs her bra. Oh no,   
Harry's still down. Do you know what he needs?  
  
Hermione: Some pepper up potion.  
  
Ron: No, silly. THE PERFECT CHEER!  
  
Stupefy, liquefy, jelly legs and more  
Gryffindor lions are brave to the core...  
  
Harry: Ummph!!  
  
Harry and Draco: Stupefy!!! Live from Hogwarts, it's Saturday night!  



	2. Scene Two: Junior High School Music Tea...

Scene 2: Junior High School music teachers   
  
Dumbledore: I'm Professor Dumbledore and this is Professor McGonagall, and we're teachers   
at Hogwarts school of Witchcraft and Wizardry.   
  
McGonagall: We're here to provide the entertainment for tonight's festivities. Let's do a mic.   
check.  
  
Dumbledore: Sonus! Check one two. Can you hear me? Way in the back there, can you   
hear me? Shall we begin?  
  
They play the music very slowly with a hoedown feel to it on their keyboard.  
  
WHO LET THE FROGS OUT  
  
Who let the frogs out (jump! ribbit! jump!)  
Who let the frogs out (jump! ribbit! jump!)  
  
Potions class was nice, and the class was jumpin' (Hey, Yippie, Yi, Yo)  
And everybody was making a drought (Hah, ho, Yippie, Yi, Yo)  
I tell all the fellas: just need one frog leg (Yippie Yi Yo)  
And Neville reports to the call  
And let all the frogs out!  
  
Who let the frogs out (jump! ribbit! jump!)  
Who let the frogs out (jump! ribbit! jump!)  
Who let the frogs out (jump! ribbit! jump!)  
Who let the frogs out (jump! ribbit! jump!)  
  
  
  
INDEPENDENT WOMEN  
  
Hermione, with my girl, Ginny, Lavender, and Pavardi.  
Gryffindor Girls, Come on  
Uh uh hu  
  
Question: Tell me what you think about me  
I cast my own spells and I make my own droughts  
I only summon you when I'm feeling lonely  
When it's all over please get up and leave.  
  
Question: Tell me how you feel about this  
Try Imperious and you get dismissed  
Get my own books and I conjure my own food  
Always 50/50 in relationships  
  
The potion in my cauldron  
I made it  
The turtle on my bed  
I transformed it  
The spell I'm casting  
I learned it  
'cause I depend on me  
If I wanted the curse you're doing  
I'd learn it  
The wand I'm waving  
I've got it  
The broom I'm riding  
I bought it  
I depend on me  
  
All the women (who are) independent  
Through some sparks up at me  
All the honey's casting charms  
Throw some of it at me  
All the ladies who truly feel me  
Throw some sparks up at me  
  
Girl I didn't know you could get down like that  
Gryffindor how your girls get down like that  
  
I worked hard and sacrificed to get what I get   
Ladies it ain't easy being independent  
Question: How you like this knowledge that I brought  
braggin' on that wand that you're waving like a stick  
If you're gonna brag make sure it's you're wand that you flaunt  
Depend on no one else to give you what you want  
  
Girl I didn't know you could get down like that  
Gryffindor how your girls get down like that  
  
  
Dumbledore: Oh, have we got a hot mic. A hot one. Check one two. Check.  
  
  
OPPS!...I DID IT AGAIN  
  
I think I did it again  
I turned you into a cow  
and not just a calf  
Oh, Harry it might seem like a bind  
But it doesn't mean that I'm gonna run  
Cause to lose all your senses  
That is just so typically bovine  
Oh Harry, Harry  
  
Opps I did it again  
I played with the spell  
Got lost in the words  
Oh Harry, Harry  
Opps, you think I'd like milk  
That I'm making ice cream  
I'm not that innovative  
  
You see my problem is this  
I'm dreaming away  
Wishing that cows, they truly exist  
I cry watching you change  
Can't you see I'm a fool in so many ways  
But to lose all your senses   
That is just so typically bovine  
  
Voice: Before you change, Harry, there's something I want you to have.  
Harry: Oh, it's...? But wait a minute isn't this?  
Voice: Yeah, yes it is  
Harry: But I thought the old lady dropped it into the ocean in the end.  
Voice: Well, Harry I summoned it for you. I think you'll need it.  
Harry: A milking stool. You shouldn't have.  



	3. Scene Three: Wayne's World

Scene 3: Wayne's World  
  
Scene: On a gorgeous plaid couch rescued from curbside garbage collection sit   
Harry and Ron wearing ripped wizard robes playing air drums with their wands.  
  
It's Harry's World  
Harry's World  
Party Time  
Excellent  
Do loo do do Do loo do do Do loo do do   
  
Harry: Welcome to Harry's World. I'm your excellent host Harry Potter and this   
is Ron.  
  
Ron: Hello.  
  
Harry: On today's show, we have a most excellent top five list. Shall we just   
move on to that, Ron?  
  
Ron: Move on, Harry.  
  
It's Harry's World, top five, most excellent, choices for, Defense Against the   
Dark Arts, professor!!!  
  
Harry: Number five--Al Gore.  
  
Ron: Excellent choice, Harry. Al Gore informed the world about the chad.  
  
Harry: Indeed. He also invented the Internet. Very important.  
  
Ron: And, he invented Harry Potter. We couldn't do much without him.  
  
Harry: Number four--Frosty the Snowman.  
  
Ron: Bogus!  
  
Harry: Frosty will last longer than any of our other DADA teachers.  
  
Ron: Number three--a Hungarian Horntail.  
  
Harry: Very Cool!  
  
Ron: Excellent!  
  
Harry: Ok, number two, from Star Trek: Voyager, Seven of Nine.  
  
Ron: Logical, intelligent, and...  
  
Both: SCH-WING!!!!  
  
Harry: And finally, number one, drum roll please, Ron...Professor Remus Lupin.  
  
Ron: The best. Most Excellent!  
  
Harry: Well, that's all for today. EXTREME CLOSE UP!  
  
WAA! WAA!  
  
It's Harry's World  
Harry's World  
Party Time  
Excellent  
Do loo do do Do loo do do Do loo do do   
  
  
  
  



	4. Scene Four: Ruxbury Guys

  
Scene 4: Roxbury Guys  
  
Music: What is Love?  
  
Scene: Malfoy and Goyle riding broomsticks bobbing their heads to the music.  
  
Scene: Interior of Hogwart's Great Hall decked out for the Yule Ball. Several   
young witches   
and wizards are dancing in front of a long table. The crowd parts and Malfoy   
and Goyle are   
bobbing their heads to the music. In unison, they both run their hands through   
their hair.  
  
Goyle: (to Lavender) Are those space pants you're wearing? 'Cause your bootie   
is out of this   
world.  
  
Lavender: (with a sneer) I'm not wearing pants. (storms off)  
  
Goyle runs his fingers through his hair and joins Malfoy bobbing his head to the   
music.  
  
Malfoy: (to Hermione) Even if you were a Quidditch game, I wouldn't play you.  
  
Hermione: So.  
  
Malfoy: So, umm you wanna dance? (Points at Hermione and then himself mouthing   
you and   
me)  
  
Hermione: (rolls her eyes) No. (walks away)  
  
Goyle and Malfoy dance up to Ginny, one standing on each side of her.  
  
Goyle: Let's go up to the Slytherin common room and do the things we're going   
to tell   
everyone we did anyway.  
  
Ginny screams, struggles from between them and runs. Goyle runs after her and   
traps her in a   
corner.  
  
Goyle: I may not be the most gorgeous guy in this room (winks at Draco) but I'm   
the only guy   
talking to you.  
  
Ginny slaps him, then seeing Neville; she runs over and grabs Neville's hand and   
leads/drags   
him outside.  
  
Malfoy: (shoves Goyle) You couldn't get a girl to dance with you if she were   
stupefied and   
under a 10X strength love potion.  
  
Scene: Malfoy and Goyle alone in the Slytherin common room punching each other   
in rhythm   
with the music.  
  
  



	5. Scene Five: Mary Kathren Gallagher

Scene Five: Mary Kathryn Gallagher aka Hermione Ann Granger  
  
Hermione Ann encounters the Dark Lord Voldemort outside Hogwarts on her way to   
Hogsmeade with her friend Harry Potter.  
  
"Isn't it sweet," Voldemort taunted. "Harry Potter has a girlfriend."  
  
"My feelings for Harry can best be described in a monologue from the ABC made   
for TV movie "A Gymnast too Thin" staring Deborah Gylson."   
  
"Carolyn, Carolyn, you were the only one who taught me what I really needed to   
survive here. You showed me the doughnut shop next to the public restroom with   
the thick walls. You let me borrow you trash bag to wrap my body in when I   
jumped rope. You were the one who counted my peas when I thought I wasn't   
eating eenough. Without you, I would have fallen for the low fat diet scheme; I   
may have even eaten a 250-calorie energy bar. You were the one who got me   
through this. You told me the things that others were afraid to mention."  
  
"What is the meaning of this? What are you doing?" The dark wizard cried   
exasperated.  
  
"Sometimes, when I get nervous, I put my fingers under my arms, like this. And   
then I smell them. It's bad, I know, it's bad."  
  
"It's not going to stop me from cursing Harry." He pulled out his wand.  
  
"My feelings for you, Voldemort, dark lord on high, can best be described in a   
monologue from the Fox dramatic television series 'Boot Camp'.   
  
"Drill Instructor Smith is evil. I don't even think his mother loves him."  
  
"Of course my mother doesn't love me, I killed her. What are you thinking crazy   
girl? Stop doing that, it's disgusting."  
  
**********  
AN: Want to add to this madness? Email your SNL scene to nmartin@mail.com, and   
I'll put it up with the next one.  
  
  



	6. Scene Six: The ambiguously gay duo

The ambiguously gay duo starring Fred and George Weasly  
  
*Music...  
  
The Ambiguously gay duo, the ambiguously gay duo  
  
They are taking on evil, come what may  
  
They are fighting all crime to save the day  
  
They're ambiguously gay, they're ambiguously gay  
  
The ambiguously gay duo...*  
  
Voiceover: The ambiguously gay duo are in a real peril this time. Voldemort has them trapped in a cave tied to one another. Will Fred and George stop the death eaters from sucking all happiness for the school of Hogwarts, or are have their crime stopping days come to a untimely end?  
  
Scene: Fred and George are tied together sitting back to back on the floor of a cave. They are wearing red unitard body suits with a large yellow "F" or "G" on the front with yellow spankie pants over the top, and of course matching yellow capes.  
  
Fred: How are we going to get out of this one?  
  
George: If we could just stand up and get to that jagged bar over there, we could probably use it to cut through these ropes.  
  
Fred: But how are we going to get up? (Fred struggles to stand while still tied to George and finds this very difficult).  
  
George: I know. If we help each other up, we can do it together.  
  
Fred: Great thinking, George. You sit in my hands and I'll sit in yours. Then we'll both stand on the count of three.  
  
They both move about a bit and struggle with the ropes in order to get the others' bum into their hands.  
  
George: Ready: one, two, thee!  
  
They both attempt to stand and do this quite successfully but are still have hold of the others' butt when Voldemort comes in to check on them.  
  
Voldemort: What on earth is going on here? I must know. are you two gay?  
  
Fred and George ignore Voldemort as the move over to the jagged bar on the wall and start to break through their bonds. In the mean time several join Voldemort in watching the duo.  
  
Death Eater 1: I'd heard that they were homosexual, but I wasn't ever sure. Look at what they're doing?  
  
Death Eater 2: I'm not sure if we should leave them here together like that.  
  
Fred and George have now broken free and mounted their broomstick. Fred sits behind George with his hands around his waist. George holds the broom with both hands in front of him. They fly in front of Voldemort when they thrust the broom out forward into Voldemort's face several times getting faster and faster until Voldemort is knocked down.  
  
Death Eater 1: They must be gay.  
  
Voiceover: It looks like Voldemort's plans have been thwarted again as Fred and George fly off into the sunset to secure the happiness back into the school of Hogwarts.  
  
*Music...  
  
The Ambiguously gay duo, the ambiguously gay duo  
  
They are taking on evil, come what may  
  
They are fighting all crime to save the day  
  
They're ambiguously gay, they're ambiguously gay  
  
The ambiguously gay duo...* 


	7. Scene Seven: Weekend Update

Scene Seven: Weekend Update with Harry Potter and Hermione Granger  
  
  
Hermione: HAUNTED TAPE DISPENCER FOUND AT HOGWARTS ISN'T SURE   
HOW TO BE SCARY  
  
A tape dispenser in Headmaster Dumbledore's office at Hogwarts school of Witchcraft   
and Wizardry is allegedly haunted, but isn't sure how to scare people. It has tried   
spinning its roll of tape around quickly and hopping across the desk, but everyone present   
agreed that it wasn't scary. Student Draco Malfoy claims that the tape dispenser   
magically taped his mouth closed for a week. However, someone close to the dispenser   
learned that the dispenser wasn't that creative and that the taping incident was the work   
of two other students hidden by an invisibility cloak. (Idea credit to The Onion)  
  
Harry: MAN UNDER THE CRUCIATIOUS CURSE CLAIMS HE WANTS TO LIVE  
  
After a Deatheater attack in south London, one of the victims put under the Cruciatious   
screamed that he wanted nothing more than to live. The Deatheater performing the curse   
was so shocked as he was used to people wishing to die when they are under the cure that   
he let his victim go. The victim now teaches swimming and springboard diving to   
underprivileged house elves.   
  
Hermione: DRUNK MIRROR OR ERISED SHOWS EVERYONE WOOL SOCKS-  
PHENOMENON SETS HOUSE ELVES INTO WOOL WEAVING FRENZY  
  
This week ten wizards who looked into the Mirror of Erised saw brightly colored wool   
socks reflected back at them. Cornelius Fudge, current Minister of Magic and one of the   
people who looked into the mirror stated: I hate bright colors and wool makes me itch.   
However, Harry Potter was delighted to finds seven pairs of wool socks on his bed that   
night. Students were disappointed that dinner was not served last week as all the house   
elves were busy knitting wool socks a deep desire of the heart that they could fulfill.   
  
Harry: DARK LORD STEALS CHILDRENS' COLORS  
  
Seventeen London daycare centers report all their colored crayons have been stolen.   
"The children are only drawing men in dark cloaks and thunderstorms because they have   
no other colors," said one day care worker. "The parents are starting to get worried that   
their children are becoming depressed." Weekend update heard from insiders that the   
Dark Lord melted all the colored crayons in a large cauldron, and when mixed together   
they created more black crayons. Voldemort is reported to have known that he could get   
more black crayons from mixing colored crayons from when he used to color as a child   
and sometimes went out of the lines accidentally mixing colors.  
  
Hermione: MISCALCULATION SENDS GREAT HALL FEAST DINNER INTO   
TABLE RATHER THAN ON TOP  
  
The house elves at Hogwarts worked especially hard this year preparing the Halloween   
feast, but were exhausted when performing the spell to make it appear magically on the   
tables in the Great Hall. Students were surprised to find their dinner had actually   
materialized inside the table. "I never thought about how hard it would be to measure   
precisely where to send the dinner," said fifth year student Neville Longbottom. "The   
mashed potatoes are still good," reported another student Ron Weasley, "you just need to   
look out for the splinters."  
  
Harry: We have a special guest with us tonight. Filch Sandler is here to sing about his   
favorite robes. Black long-sleeved robes. Filch Sandler everyone.  
  
Filch: My mum bought you when I was just 13  
The darkest black I'd ever seen.  
She got extra long so I wouldn't grow out  
"That's too big for you!" the other kids would shout.  
But we stuck together, we didn't quit  
And now the kids say we're a perfect fit.  
  
I love you staaaandard robes  
Black long-sleeved  
Staaaaandard robes  
Dip dip dip  
Staaaaandard robes  
Shamma lamma ding dong  
Staaandard robes  
  
What is it about you that makes me feel jolly?  
Is it that you're fifty nylon or fifty poly?  
  
Oh standard robes we've been through a lot  
Together like that time I dueled Nott  
I had to take you off and leave you in a pool by the stage  
Midway through the duel, I saw you staring at me  
Staring as if to say, "Filch, you suck at dueling   
you cast spells like a damned sissy"  
I was so mad, I challenged you to a duel and you know robes  
Even though I beat you 5 to 3 deep inside I know you cast those  
Spells aside on purpose.  
You let me win. And that's why I'll forever feel this way.  
  
I love you staaaandard robes  
Black long-sleeved  
Staaaaandard robes  
Dip dip dip  
Staaaaandard robes  
Shamma lamma ding dong  
Staaandard robes  
  
  
Harry: And that's your wizarding world tonight. Goodnight everyone. 


End file.
